The Strong Friend: Why High-Achieving Women Struggle With Vulnerability and Stress

Have you ever been the one everyone leans on – but no one checks in on?

If you’re nodding, you might be what I call the strong friend.

I had a conversation this week that had been weighing on me for months.

Not because I’d been avoiding it – but because I was waiting.
Waiting for her to circle back, as she’d once promised.

And, well, life is life. People get busy. Women especially. So many tabs open, so many roles to play. It’s a stretch to reach out.
To be the one who follows up.
But the ache in my chest never quite went away.

With my mother recently falling ill, I found myself reaching for connection. I wanted a shoulder to cry on. I got nostalgic for the women who knew my children when they were small. There weren’t many, just my mom, and one dear friend.

I don’t have sisters. But I’ve always longed for that kind of relationship – what I imagine sisters share. Or even that best-friend-since-college bond. I’ve never had it. And I’ve always felt the absence of it.

So I picked up the phone and called.

What followed cracked me open in unexpected ways - and gave me insight not just into our friendship, but into myself, my boundaries, and the invisible weight many women of color carry in relationships.

When the Distance Isn't About Drama

She told me that over the years, she didn’t feel I’d been vulnerable with her. That I always seemed to have it together. That she was opening up to me – her fears, her insecurities, her anxiety – and I was staying calm, collected, curious… and closed.

She said something that hit hard:

"It felt like you had your husband as your first line of defense and I was just left out."

The truth is, I have armored up.

I’m a physician.
A coach.
A somatic guide.
A hypnotist. 

I teach people how to regulate stress, how to heal through the body, how to return to their core selves. I’ve been on this self-healing journey since my early 20s.
It’s not new to me.
It’s in my bones.

But in my real life?
I’d forgotten how to be vulnerable.
How to let myself be held.

When Power Feels Threatening (Even Between Friends)

She mentioned that my directness and curiosity often felt like questioning her credibility.
That it triggered something in her, especially as someone new in her field.

And this is where it gets complex.
Is it unspoken competition?

Because when you're a seasoned, ambitious woman, one who has invested tens of thousands of dollars in her own training, mentorship, and nervous system, sometimes your very presence can feel… intense.

Especially in friendships where growth isn’t mutual or parallel.

And for women like us – who pay for coaching, go to therapy, do the healing, it’s not always clear how much of that vulnerability we’re allowed to bring into our friendships.

The Hidden Isolation of Being the “Strong One”

If you’re the "strong friend," this probably sounds familiar:

• You’re the one people call when their world is falling apart.

• You know how to hold space like a pro.

• But no one knows what to do when you need support.

This is even more true for women of color, who are taught to survive by staying two steps ahead. 

We are the caregivers, the doers, the reliable ones.

But it’s exhausting.
And lonely.

Especially when the stress doesn’t go away, it just gets quieter.
More polite.
Tucked into your jaw, your chest, your digestive system.
Hidden beneath the performance of being okay.

Stress Isn’t Just Mental – It’s Somatic

On the call, my friend also admitted she wasn’t sleeping.
She was having palpitations.
She said she told people she was fine – but she wasn’t.

And I knew exactly what she meant.

Because stress isn’t just in your mind.
It’s in your fascia, your hormones, your gut, your breath.
And unless you learn to regulate your nervous system in the moment, you’ll never feel safe enough to really be seen.

This is what I teach women in the Golden Love Collective.

Not just how to talk about your feelings, but how to:

• Identify your unique stress vibe

• Regulate in real-time when things feel overwhelming

• Expand your capacity for connection and stay grounded when things get real

This work isn’t abstract.
It’s tangible.
It’s in your breath, your posture, your voice.

It’s what allows us to be in relationships without abandoning ourselves.

Your Invitation: Reconnect to Yourself (& Each Other)

You don’t need to fall apart to be real.
You don’t need to be “healed enough” to be held.

You just need to stay in your body long enough to let love in.

Let friendship in.
Let truth in.
Let you in.

Because sometimes what we’re craving isn’t advice or even a solution. It’s a witness.

P.S. Want to discover your unique stress vibe and how to work with it instead of against it?
Take the quiz What’s Your Stress Vibe? and start reclaiming your calm today.

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About the Author
Dr. Lynette Santos Malik, MD is a holistic physiatrist and founder of the Golden Love Collective. She specializes in nervous system regulation, subconscious healing, and helping high-achieving women reconnect to their bodies without quitting their lives or careers. Her signature program, Golden Habits™, helps women release stress at the cellular level and embody a new way of leading, without burnout or bypassing.

🔗 Take the quiz: What’s Your Stress Vibe?

📍 Learn more at Golden Love Collective